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Untitled lament (1/2/10)

January 2, 2010

if you bring a reminder,
maybe i won’t have to talk so slowly
staring down some long-forgotten truce
lifting every syllable toward grandeur,
i try to believe in something worthwhile,
something that could relieve you of your charms,
something to disarm the melancholy that pervades

i become lost in solitude
remembering different places of self
measuring time in memory
and forgetting
letting things lapse and let go all the horrors,
with these words i scold my selves who couldn’t deal with what was happening,
with disease,
rejection,
people too old to care or wonder who i am and who i’ve been,

i’ve spent enough time being bitter
and an equal amount of time being unnaturally hopeful
i lose reason in the midst of fragility,
tenuous lives,
begging relationships to come closer,
for someone to see me,
whisper about who they think i might be
where they end and i begin to love

but i grow stronger as i attempt to care less
as i shutter myself from the needs of the world,
from the cruel insistence, demands, failures,
i try to forget the word failure
i try to redeem what i have by calling it something else,
by pointing out the good,
by reaching out to friends

i lose others
lose them constantly in a stream of more loss
fighting to begin something better,
i turn on time in hopes that someday it will stop
being so incredible,
that once i could believe in something infallible,
or at least strong, reasonable,
i’d have something to grasp and float comfortably–
and there’s that hope that never lessens, always hurts

i’m in a war of words with myself
a war of endings, timeless introductions, descriptions,
beliefs shrouded in anonymity through detached sayings,
calming lifeless sapping words that can control,
through them i can decide,
and others see what they want to see by hearing me,
what i put out,
but what’s left to endure,
something uncomplicated and without description,
with no needs,
with no ends

nothing stops

the head in my hands doesn’t stop
the lifeless kisses to avoid thinking don’t stop
the plaguing insecurity never stops

but it’s easier, in some ways, alone

and i despise the hopefulness always reaching out to clothe me
in something more appealing, palatable,
pretty

i am un-uniquely alone
with the same suffering and wants,
but why do they not seem to shake
as much
on anyone else

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